Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Randomize
