Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
