hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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