Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
being pregnant is like rehab
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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