I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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