I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
