Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
