He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize