He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
