Whoa Z and x make the same sound
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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