please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
