i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
