It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
