his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
