Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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