Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
