fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm always down for nudity.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
