Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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