I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
