I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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