Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
