Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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