It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
