She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize