JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
