it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
