if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
