Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
How external is "for external use only"?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
