It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
