there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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