Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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