she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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