Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
