Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
