Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
