when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
