There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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