and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize