dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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