I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
