i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
