It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
