Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
