if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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