I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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