TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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