I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
