i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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