The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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