Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize