She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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