I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
