I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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