just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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