my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
