I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
