her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
