im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
