she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize