I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
