How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
