I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
