she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
